A really good friend of mine gave me some great advice. Don't let negativity impact on your work/life. This seems simple enough and obvious enough, why would you put yourself down and undermine your own skills or
self belief? In my defence, negativity is my natural way of saying 'hey you're struggling here' and sometimes can push me down even further, or serves as a warning sign to think 'ok I'm better than this' and then BAM. I'm motivated again.
So usually its the former, but last night it was the latter- for a brief moment. I went out with a group of friends to see a light show down at the beautiful Sydney Harbour. This is my best friend and her group of friends, which I still haven't really been 'initiated' into. So my social skills suck. Throughout the night my best friend had been complaining of a headache because she had experienced multiple near-death situations from sitting in the car whilst I was practising driving in preparation for my Ps test. She was sharing her concern to our group of friends but telling how I almost ran over a lady because I was trying to switch my highbeam light off and ended up switching all of them off which made my car 'invisible'. Then I almost hit a stationary car whilst leaving the curb and also turned into the wrong lane so that at one point my car was between the two of them. My friends are nice people, they silently laughed and remained polite but inside I was feeling incapable and inadequate. I left the night subconsciously frustrated and before I went to bed, sought cousel from my best friend via phone call. Her advice was kind-hearted, saying everyone's different and that makes the world interesting, that way you can meet different people. Right. But I don't want to be met as the strange, not-quite-on-the-same-wavelength, incapable-of-doing-anything kind of person. My best friend and I have the best relationship. We are totally different. In fact my mum was puzzled the other day how we could be like the sky and the earth and still be friends. It was like ying yang I guess, we jusy complement each other. So in the phone call, she was trying to make me feel better saying she was always streetsmart and I was booksmart. In this world, I dont want to struggle by not being streetsmart. Particularly in my industry. I don't want to be left behind. I want to be ahead of the pack. It sometimes surprises me how I can feel so low about myself, that I can't even talk face to face properly or in class situations and always have to do it via email or pull the teacher aside to ask her questions. But despite feeling like my world is falling apart I'm still just as determined to think, I need to be thriving. I guess I have always had this competitive spirit. I'm just saying to you right now its sometimes frustrating thinking about ways for my helpless self to succeed. I've always been competitive, and I've always been negative. Just throw away your negativity. I do think back sometimes where my negativity has done me injustice. I could have done a lot better in the HSC if I hadn't given up on my assignments because I thought I was doing terribly coming second in class. See five years on and I'm still thinking about it. I stopped talking to my best friend's boyfriend for a while because I was feeling so guilty of being just downright incapable, giving terrible directions to a directionally impaired guy was just a bad mix. I've now resigned to working in the fashion industry, which makes me think how great it would have been if I pushed myself harder, I could be somewhere else now. There are girls younger than me getting VC or funding to start their business idea. Just all these things are making me nervous.
I have no idea what the future holds. I'm one of two finalists for a job in Fashion Graphic Design and I really want it. I'm lost, but I know I want to move forward. What are the things that I can prioritise to create positive things in my life? I know that I have the best family, the best friends who truly understand who I am and support me even in these irrational ranting times. I know I am a hard worker for something that I truly want and I know I already live a very, very fortunate lifestyle. There are lots of things I can be grateful for. Its just balancing the act of acknowledging my strengths to work on, and also my weaknesses to work on- balancing negativity and arrogance.
-AB
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